Just got back from a lovely walk to Yukon street and up and around my house - 30 min worth with my heartrate up in the 127 area, actually hitting 138 for brief periods as my music inspired me without realising it.

The angle of the sun on the grass was amazing... breathtaking. Have you ever seen the sun reflect off the dewdrops before? It's like a myriad of stars in rainbow hues winking and dancing as I moved forward.

( More happiness and maundering... )

My daily tarot card reading in my email box that I checked AFTER today's blow up:

If you're single, love could be in the air today, but you won't grab hold of it! You're represented by the Hanged Man, who prevents you from taking advantage of the great opportunities that Judgment throws into your path. There'll be new openings around you all day but you'll be unable to open the door and make the most of them. At least try to open up to the people who already care about you, and the day won't be a total loss.

Right, I'm going for lunch, then my walk, swearing to myself the entire way and feeling really pissed off.

We did it!

Aunty Jackie, Aunt Marie, Pauline, Alex and I walked 3km today to raise money to support the MS Society of BC! This is the first time I have ever done a 'walk' of any kind, and after only a month and a half or so of walking, I managed to walk 3km without dying! I was too late to get pledges THIS time, but there's always next year!

My NEXT walk (yes, I'm going for it!) is thus:

2009 TELUS Walk to Cure Diabetes – Save the Date! 

May 31 – Vancouver

http://jdrfca.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.eventDetails&eventID=620

Anyone who wants to join my team - not sure on the name yet..let me know and I'll see if I can find out more! Suggestions for names?(Amy's Insulin Powered Heroes? Blood Sugar Bandits? Syringe Superstars? Blood Sugar Fairies?)

This is specifically for Type 1 diabetes (which is the kind I have) - no offense to my friends and family members who have type 2, but I'm dying to try out my increasing fitness AND raise money for a cure! (I can be selfish about this, right? Is that allowed?) Besides, betcha we can do another walk for type 2 later! Yippeeeee!

Anyone want to send me a pledge? Anyone want to come support me and get their own pledges and walk with me? So far my aunts and cousin are willing to do it! YAY! This will be a triumph for me; after struggling with diabulimia and type 1 diabetes for 18 years (my diagnoses and second birthday will be May 18!) I am finally getting my life back and want the whole world to know!

Purple t shirts! Purple hats (let's avoid sunburns, shall we?) fun frag and silliness! Let me know what you think! maybe I will make a nice tshirt decal thingie and print them out for everyone to iron on their own tshirts? That way you can choose your own comfy tshirt! Ohhh I think this is FUN! I wanna do it!!!!!! I think you can bring puppies too! There were lots to admire and pet today. ^_^ <3 the puppies!

My feet are a bit sore, I had a bit of back pain that cleared up towards the end of the walk - best of all, I just plain did it! I couldn't have done it without my family supporting me, so kudos go out to them! Think of it... less than 2 months ago I could barely walk 10 minutes without excruciating pain, and today I walked 3 KM!!!! Here's hoping I don't sieze up before I go to the gym tomorrow morning! LOL.

I am SO proud of myself! *squee!*

More updating...

Ok I guess its been about a month since I began exercizing, and I'm having a mixed bag of results.

My cardio is going great guns! I can walk without gasping for breath or any burning pain or asthma kicking in... I must say that I'm mightily impressed! That said, I have to admit the rest of my body is having a shit fit from hell. Now, I've had a few odd days in my past where I've been getting back into fitness and was stiff and sore and what have you... but I have NEVER felt pain and resistance like THIS before. NEVER.

I didn't realise how easy I've had it most of my life. Despite being moderately sedentary, I've always been able to get back into the swing of things within a week or two. Not anymore.

( More behind the cut )

Well things have radically improved since my last post, and I'm very glad to report that.

Thank you to all my very well-meaning and supportive friends for helping me dig myself out of that rut. I did binge the next night, but considering how I was feeling I'm lucky that's ALL I did on ONE night. No insulin purging and no exercise purging either. That's REALLY a major victory.

( More behind the cut, it's another TSUN-AMY )

Ok a review of crap going on in my life. After close to 4 months of prep I'm FINALLY going to the heart Clinic at Saint Paul's Hospital. No, I did not have a heart attack, yes I am ok. The recommendation came after considering my intestinal stroke a couple of years ago and my most recent cholesterol test (which was merely the high side of normal).

Basically I have gummed up arteries due to sugar plaques from my diabetes more than just ordinary fat, although I'm sure there's plenty of that too. Despite being determined to not binge anymore it's been a bit of a challenge, although I've done very well today so far. The nights are the hardest time to stave off cravings, so I'm trying to eat REAL meals instead of snarfing popcorn twists and diet rootbeer for dinner. FYI: Commentary other than supportive words (ie: hang in there, I know its hard kind of thing) is NOT allowed about my eating habits btw, NO WELL MEANING CRITITISM - cause it'd trigger me to hell and gone, ok? Trigger = hospital stay. Ok? Thanks in advance!

Basically I'm due to talk to the dietician this week upcoming, and so far they seem very clued about my eating disorder and have been very supportive. I'm hoping they will stay that way. As a rule dieticians are usually these skinny women who have never had a weight problem in their spoiled little rich girl lives and love to lord it over me how I 'should just do" this and that. I find most of them to be triggering all to hell and come home and insulin purge (ie cut way back on taking my insulin and eating as little as possible) for weeks on end. Yes, it's an issue. Yes it's very serious. Yes, I'm working on it.

This is really really hard for me right now, cause I've had major issues with excerize before. I have a very black and white thinking towards it that I'm trying to overcome. Let me show you how I'm doing it.

The program is 4 months long, I go at 9 am mondays and wednesdays. I go twice a week to the Heart Clinic gym, which comprises of two gyms at Saint Paul's Hospital. There's the upstairs gym which (ironically is where about 12 years ago I took my first round of eating disorder councelling, talk about feeling wierd!) is all the cardio equipment, and the downstairs gym that has all the weights and mats and dumbells etc. I start out upstairs where I am hooked up with a portable heart monitor that is similar to a full on ECG machine. I ALSO hook on a polar heart rate monitor so I can learn how to work within a training heart rate etc. Wired for sound, I begin my workout by walking in a circle with the other attendees (brilliant wonderful people in various stages of health and wellness and mobilities). We do some gentle stretches with a very fun fitness specialist for about 5 minutes before we scatter to grab our favourite cardio machine for 10 min intervals and then change machines until we do a total of 30 minutes. Then we make our happy-circle again, do some streatches and cool down then head downstairs.

Downstairs we learn some very low weight high-rep exersizes that are meant to rehabilitate and increase flexibility and strength for everyday usage; like lifting, carrrying, getting up, sitting down and so on. Our chipper fun specialist shows us how to do freeweights, ankle weights, cans and bags of things at home, and this week coming up she's gonna show the elastic bands! (which I'm gonna buy a set of for a whole $4! WOOT!)

So yeah, twice a week I get to play with fun things, the rest of the week is up to me. Approx 30 min of walking at a moderate pace 5 x a week. 5 min warm up, 20 min walkies, 10 min cool down. I've been testing my blood sugars before and after, and Holy Handgrenade of Antioch what a huge difference that makes!

Yesterday I did a walk from Main to Cambie and back.
BIG mistake
I got back and felt like I'd been through a wash cycle or two inside out and backwards. My lower back and the front of my calves read me the riot act, and even standing to cook was nearly too much for me. Today I went grocery shopping at Buy Low and again my bod is NOT impressed with lugging food around either. I must remember when I don't feel like exercizing in the future what this feels like so I never let myself go this badly ever again. It's pathetic, more... it's frustrating. I should NOT be this worn out at the age of 40. Tsk.

SO, tomorrow I'm gonna do a milder walk and see how it goes, then get ready for monday ad give em feedback on how my doing-things-on-my-own worked out. *whew*

Wish me luck guys and gals.

My tarot cards for today (which I just read now) say:

Today, you reach a balance in your emotional life, AMY. Justice and the World set the scene for stability and faithfulness - it may even be that an affair you've kept secret up until now will be brought out into the open. You feel as if you're on solid ground and you're not afraid to look into the future of your relationship with confidence. And marriage is in the air. At work, various outcomes, contracts or agreements could be reached or signed with or without your full knowledge... The Hermit tends to leave you isolated, and inclined to leave the initiative and the decisions to your colleagues, who are guided by Justice. Don't worry too much about this: everything will go smoothly and you'll be able to benefit from a dynamic and prosperous situation. Sure, you're not at the helm, but the boat moves forward nonetheless!

Well, if that's not encouraging, I don't know WHAT is! ^_^

"If the Gods are sending you stories you are free to leave my class." The Instructor says to me, lean face shrewd, almost a bit exasperated.

I blink at him. For the last few minutes I've been irritably trying to download the day's homework assignment without luck, as is typical in a dream environment it keeps changing and shifting like sand through fingers. ( more )

"Dying is easy
it's living that
scares me to death..." - "Cold", Annie Lennox


As I promised Desmond before life took him away, I went to see my doctor today to catch up and discuss things in general.

She glanced over my charts and recalled my last visit to the ER at VGH, where an amazing psychiatrist had a very life changing discussion with me about the 'crossroads' I'm at. Basically what it boiled down to is that I can still take control of my emotional, mental and physical health -for good, or to give up and let my life continue to seep away like blood from a wound that won't heal. At 40, he said I was really just beginning to take stock of who and what I really am, away from the dross of abuse and neglect, bad health and worse habits picked up in the desperate need to 'protect' myself.

My doctor said she was MOST amazed by this psychiatrist's concern and genuine care for me and my case. Touched even. I know I sure was. She gave me a warm concerned glance and asked me what I thought.

I was honest, and I said I wasn't sure where to start, but that I agreed with him completely about my potential. Her smile lit the examining room up like an artist's studio in full sunlight, a warmth I felt right down to my toes. I smiled back, a bit sheepishly and that made her smile even more. We reviewed my very supportive and stable living situation and where I was at far as structure in my day; I admitted it has been better the last three weeks, not perfect, but I've made a start at it. Then we discussed my various challenges, diabetes wise and she asked if I wanted to try going to a "metabolic syndrome" clinic at Saint Paul's three times a week.

I thought seriously about it as she mentioned the psych clinic again also. With some careful thought we decided that I will try the clinic 3 times a week and see how well I'm able to comply. (I really would like to see where it goes, it can't possibly hurt.) That's enough for now, I didn't want to be overwhelmed, and being Dr. Bus she agreed with a kind smile. So now I will be getting blood tests in the next couple of days and seeing in less than 6 weeks if I can qualify for treatment and perhaps gently turn my life around with some very appreciated guidance.

I had to be weighed, of course, and I fully expected to be the 285 lbs or so I weighed at Geri's house 3 weeks ago just as my period started, but the scale tipped at 260... which startled the hell out of me. I must have been carrying a LOT of water weight - but nearly 25 pounds of it?! Good grief! I haven't told Dr Bus about it, but we'll see what happens when I get back there. To be fair the last 3 weeks I've been eating as minimally as possible because of finances - 2 reasonably well balanced meals a day - a bit fatty perhaps, but I'd had to get the calories from SOMEwhere. I really dug deep in my freezer and ate a LOT of frozen veggies, boiled eggs, rice or pasta, and fruit when I could scrounge enough money for it.

Lisa took me grocery shopping, and if I'm careful I should be ok - I bought lots of veggies again - beans and carrots, cut green beans. I forgot to get frozen spinach... woops. I'll have to earmark 10$ or so and get some. I find it so much easier than whole fresh leaf that you have to rinse a million times and STILL get dirt crunchies. yuck. Although if I could find beet greens I'd be a happy camper. Leave the beets, give me the greens! YUM!

I ordered the form for my yearly bus pass (yes I know it's way late, but the $45 for the remainder of the year is STILL cheaper than bus tickets or a reg pass.) I'll have to buy it next month I think, looking at my dwindling money for the month I'll have to be careful. Nutrition is the main focus this month since I have deep painful cracks in the corners of my mouth again that could be B12 and iron deficiency yet again. ow. No wonder I'm so tired. heh

SO.

The point is, I'm finally peeking out of my burrow and trying to walk, wobbly legged and blinking in the sunlight, trying not to be scared of my own shadow. One small step at a time, and hopefully I'm on my way to re-establishing the Life of Amy, stage 2, after 40 with 40 + years to go. ^_^

Yeah.

First Sara, then Warren, then Wendy and now Desmond...

I know it's all part of the way of life. People die, we're mortal after all.

I have a heavy heart today, let me explain why.


In Second Life I 'play' an avatar called Elwynn. Any of my closer friends will recognize this character as one I've written about and drawn since I was 12 or 13 years old in her current form. In Second Life I just had fun making her look like Elwynn at first, and then roleplaying her a bit just to have a little fun. Really I'd meant her to be a business avatar and not to really represent ME.

I dabbled in harmless roleplay, but always got back to business no problem; watching many of my friends have torrid or wonderfully romantic on-line romances with a twinge of jealousy. I might have even said something to the efefct that such would 'never happen" to me.

Well shit.

I met Desmond in a role play sim called NoR. An elven Prince of the local 'family' or clan I was adopted into for fun, he started out as a very delightful friend to learn about the game of NoR roleplaying from. I was warned that he'd been horribly heartbroken and betrayed by women in the past and that he would in no way tolerate being sought after romantically. Although my initial reaction to him had been interest, I respected the man behind the keyboard and was determined to be a good friend to him, just as I would any of the folks around me.

He was comfortable with my presence, which was just fine with me. I'm used to being 'just the friend', a long lifetime of being delegated as about as enticing romantically as roadkill. I took in stride as usual, and was just myself, if somewhat more stilted and polite as my elven healer of many long ages old. I had great fun, and we had even more fun running around NoR killing and being killed (me especially as a healer I was a fun target I think... well that and I wore head to toe white... can you say TARGET?).
We got talking a tiny bit about our real lives, and we made a pact to support each other in going to doctors. You see, he admitted that each of his siblings, his mum and dad, both grandparents on both sides had a heart condition and that he'd been suffering chest pains on occasion. He made me promise not to tell anyone... and, alarmed I MADE him promise me to see a doctor immediately. Bless him, he did that as soon as he could, and I was releived when he told me he had made an appointment.
It got to be that we'd greet each other within moments of signing on, and me asking if he needed healing yet again while he want on his 'killing sprees' for the honor of House Chevalier. I swallowed my crush, laughing ruefully at myself the whole time and never giving a clue to what I wouldn't let myself feel on behalf of my poor elven virgin priestess. (or so I hoped)

All was going well, and our friendship was a riot... and then the surprising came along... Desmond had a crush on ME too! Or rather, his avatar/character on Elwynn! In a move I shall never forget, he called Elwynn mon amour for the first time and I nearly fell off my chair! He publicly asked Elwynn from Desmond if she would be his sweetheart, and I didn't have to feign her shock and pleased surprise. Of course I said yes on her behalf.

This started a whirlwind romance better than novel ever written. Better than anything I could ever dream or imagine! I now understand why the french are so touted as the Great Romantics! Princess Omega would listen to me patiently as I exclaimed over every sweet phrase, every kind gesture. "Get Used to it, he's going to spoil you shamelessly. We're the luckiest women alive Amy." And OH how could I not agree? I've never been treated so sweetly in my whole life! I was his goddess, his angel, his Sun he called me once. I was regularly rendered speechless as the translator poured out all these eloquent and moving phrases, that I KNEW were genuine... if over the internet.

There was ballroom dancing under the moon in a arbour flowing with flowers, animated kisses, more dancing, dying off in NoR side by side... He would roar in from wherever he had been an avenge me... and heaven help anyone who killed me while he was away. He hunted them down and slaughtered them in game.
There were showers of gifts (that I began by giving HIM gifts with LOL), many notecards and Instant messages of "Je t'aime mon amour" left when he missed me online on his way to work. Every day I'd sign on, my heart in my throat, and did a little jump of happy when he signed on and I pounced on him, exclaiming in french how much I missed him (and mangling it badly I'm sure).
He got working late sometimes, but always coming on for his kiss before he went off to sleep each night in real life. I relearned french words for love, and learned new ones that made me smile - so gallant! He never wanted anything but to make me happy, no pressure for taudry sex animations, he was content to leave Elwynn a virgin and bathed in all the affection I could give through her with great joy.

His job was VERY stressful, and even though he was in perfect physical condition, the news from his doctor wasn't good. He went almost a day or so after to see a cardiologist. They gave him pills and advice to rest; AND he admitted his problem to his rightfully worried brother, sister-in-law (more like a full sister to him), and his sister.
Despite all this I didn't mind, I worried a bit about him, but figured that he'd be ok now he was on medication.

Yesterday afternoon, I found out my Desmond died on friday of a fatal heart attack at work.

MY Prince Desmond, the kindly man behind the avatar who was do gentle and kind to me, who actually made me feel really loved for the first time in my life. Yeah, some people may say "oh it was just second life'. And yes, the man behind Desmond wanted nothing more than a virtual romance, and I was fine with that. But now he'll never sign on again, never take Elwynn dancing, never give her animated kisses, teach me about amazing french words for affection and trust. "Je t'aime mon amour" I'll never see that typed out again for ME.

And so, here I am.

I'm more worried about his family of course. I only knew him via his online persona for three gloriously short weeks. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't affected. I'm really not that noble or unselfish that I can't admit that I'm devastated. I'm trying to comfort myself that I healed this gentle man's broken heart with real affection. He really liked ME, through Elwynn - my sincerity, my gentleness, my bluntness... all that part of me I've never really shared with ANYone like this. And now he's gone.

*Looks up into the sky*
I get the hint already! There's no one for me, and if there were I don't deserve him. I will take happiness in my friends, my family... but I will never be worthy of a great love. I'll have to hold onto my short online romance, pathetically.

I will just have to find another reason to live, without the hope of something greater.

It'll have to be enough.

On CBC's website:

"For people with Type 1 diabetes, weight gain may actually be a positive, new research suggests.Though excessive weight gain is one of the risk factors for Type 2diabetes, a 20-year study of 658 patients with Type 1 diabetes foundthat those who gained the most weight, an average of 10 to 55 pounds ora body mass index increase of between 2 and 11 points, were one-thirdless likely to die than those with smaller BMI increases.The study participants, who were an average age of 28 at thebeginning of the study and 44 when it ended, were diagnosed with Type 1diabetes between 1950 and 1980. Over the 20-year study period, 147 ofthem died.The researchers believe that weight gain may have a protective effect for Type 1 diabetics.
"Although weight gain in adulthood is typically associated withincreased mortality, this may not be the case for those with Type 1diabetes," said Trevor Orchard, professor of epidemiology at theUniversity of Pittsburgh Graduate School of Public Health, in a release.
"Gaining a reasonable amount of weight may be a sign patients aregetting enough insulin and appropriately controlling their disease,which may partly explain why those who gained weight over time hadlower mortality rates."

The study also found that those participants with a normal BMI ofbetween 20 and 25 and those with a BMI in the overweight range (25 to30) had no differences in mortality. However, participants who had an underweight BMI of less than 20 were much more likely to die prematurely. The researchers caution that gaining weight with Type 1 diabetes isnot advised as a protective measure, but they feel the findings cast anew light on weight recommendations for people with the disease.

The study was presented Friday at the 68th Scientific Sessions of the American Diabetes Association in San Francisco."

Just walked a mile - took 5 mg of Baclofen to do it, but I did it. The pain in my lower back didn't really get a chance to cripple me till 2 blocks from home, and the claf pain stayed a bit less agonising- so tomorrow I'll push it to a mile and a half and see how long I can bear the pain this time. I don't like being on the meds, but given how long this pain has been going on without improving, I guess it's the lesser evil.

A bit of back info: When I walk I get agonising pain in my calves -and- my lower back JUST above my butt... to the point where I'm almost screaming. I keep walking anyways cause apparently it's the only way to make it better. I've been actually walking moderately as often as I can (abut 4 times a week) without pain meds/anti spasm meds for almost a month and it hasn't really improved any. By the time I get home I'm in tears and nauseated from the pain. I figure I'm being punished for being such a pig or something... I'd been bingeing last month on chips (a bag a day) and gained a lot of weight. I'm carrying lots of water too right now cause my claves and ankles get really swollen by night time. WITH the water gainI had in Edmonton on the 23rd I was 276lbs, but after taking some herbal dieretics I went overnight to 264, and was still fairly swollen.

I had some muscle strain from sleeping wrong last month and a walk in clinic dr gave me a prescription for Baclofen... it worked wonders even though I took a minimal dose only once in two days. Today, after doing some search for neuropathy and other pain that can cause what I'm experiencing, it says that the longer I can bear the pain each time, the better I can get with muscle tone. I never knew that neuropathy can cause muscle wasting- and I'm sure my extreme obesity isn't helping much. So, after some deliberation, I took half a pill, waited till I felt the mildest of drowsiness and went for my walk. Voila! A mile and it was tolerable. Still hurt, but I managed to do it anyways!

Gods, to think that I could walk to Cambie and back without too much trouble a year ago.

Ah well, I might as well accept that I've completely fucked myself over by ignoring my diabetes - now I'll be a slave to it like I should have been from the beginning and hope it will be enough. Yeah yeah I know, the compulsive aspect of my bulimia has really affected my self care, but that's no excuse for being a stupid shit. I'll go get blood work this week, face the music and join Curves after all- I'm desperate- besides there's active Curves members who are lobbying the owner to smarten the fuck up- which I'm joining anyways. So go ahead, laugh at me and point fingers about my formly high and mighty ideals about not giving Curves my money. Given a choice between moral high ground and being crippled, I'll choose the morals to go down in flames in a way I can live with. I'm sure there's folks out there who can point and laugh at my fat ass waddling along the sidewalk with my swollen ankles and lips blue with pain - but hey, what the hell, better than being dead right?

That's what I keep telling myself- it's all that can keep me getting one foot in front of the other.

Peri had one of her 'moments' while I reached out to pet her while I was half asleep and I am bleeding profusely.

I have four puncture wounds, one of which is VERY deep on the back of the meaty part of my thumb near my wrist. It didn't bleed much which worries me a bit cause it does have blood IN the ound itself. Both of the other punctures are on my forearm but aren't as deep, and they bled like mad... they were deep enough that I know she punctured the flesh a good quarter inch or more. The scratches were enough to draw a goodly bit of blood and three of them are swelling up a bit even after I washed everything REALLY well with soap and water and added an antibiotic ointment before putting bandaids on the worst and deepest wounds.I have 4 happy bright children's bandaids all over my arm and back of my hand now... and the scratches hurt like blazes. Oddly enough the punctures don't hurt.

What a hell of a thing to wake up to. I know I screamed really loud, but my roomies are oblivious. I cried for 5 minutes straight right after she wrapped herself around my arm and bit me for all she was worth, then rocketed away. As I was crying she started meowing and looking into my face anxiously... was all I could do not to pound the living shit out of her. Ididnt lay a hand on her, but she KNOWS I'm mad at her. I shoved her (gently but firmly) off the bed and yelled at her a bit, telling her she's a bad kitty. She's laying on the floor and avoiding my gaze.

Here I thought she was improving... it's been a record length of time since she's done this to me last. I wonder if I'd startled her or something? Still, it's a hell of a thing to wake up to your cat wrapping herself around a limb and making holes in you!

*wipes eyes, blows nose and ambles off back to bed, hurting*

My step father Greg had a severe heart attack this morning and had to be airlifted from the island property to a hospital on the mainland.

I just learned of this about an hour ago, but after calling mum have gotten permission to do any healing spells etc I feel might be helpful.

So far he's responding 'exceedingly well' to treatment, and they managed to do the artery balloon thing and clear up the blockage that gave him the attack. He's sore, cranky and scared, but the doctors are very hopeful indeed that he'll manage a complete recovery.

That said, I'd still like to 'put it out there' to any and all folks who are willing to light a candle or say a heart felt prayer for my very beloved step dad Greg Swinford!

Hrm, in giving Colin diabetes advice it makes me thinnk how I've improved in MY OWN control the last couple of weeks or so. I've manged to keep my blood sugars MOSTLY under 8 for the first time in my life. How do I feel?

Not that great honestly.

The unhappy side effect of better glycemic control with insulin and type 1 diabetes is my old enemy: weight gain.

I'm porking out quite nicely, filling a pair of pants that were 3 or 4 inches too big last summer and I'm trying desperately not to notice. Seriously, I feel like I need special blinders to NOT see how my clothes are fitting. Get thee behind me diabulimia!

So much for the vaunted and much-worshipped GLYCEMIC CONTROL that every doctor and clinic I know put on the shining pedestal with the spotlight shining on it and the choir and harps escastically ringing praises upon it. Really it's rather a let down.

All that aside: I has a boyfriend!

Yes, you heard me right... monkeys flying out of asses and so on have occured... the impossible is happening after 8 years of feeling very sorry for myself and angrily lunging for the throats of males that approached me romantically. It snuck up on me and nailed me in the back of the skull... it remains to be seen if this will work or not, so far it's not a 'serious' thing as per se, nor do I want it to be. Scared to frighten the poor sod away I think, more than anything - although he'd laugh his ass off at hearing me say so I'm sure. We will see if this lovably gimpy artist chickie can keep herself from running away in terror of her own commitment issues etc if and when that ever comes up.

Wish me luck everyone!

OK! A heads up on what's up with the Amy.

OK the question I can hear you all asking "What is Second Life"?

Second Life is a video-game LIKE environment that is more like a live 3d chat. It' 's FREE TO JOIN and it's fun! If you find yourself curious, drop me a line and proivided I'm not in the middle of working on stuff, I can show you around and show you how to do stuff. It's not hard, honest. If *I* can find my way around, YOU sure as hell can!

http://secondlife.com/

There was a recent episode of CSI:NY done within the scope of Second Life... although much about it wasn't even CLOSE to what the actual in-game life is like. That said, at least it shows a bit of what the environments are like: ALL of which are created by actual players/residents of SL! THAT is half the fun of this environment... you can CREATE things! Not only can you visit and immerse yourself in other people's creations, you can make your own, and it IS fun.

Lisa Forryan and I have opened shop in Second Life and are doing a brisk business in Eye Textures so far. We've sold nearly 10 pair so far in less than a week after making them available. We will be breaking out into other areas of avatar enhancement; namely clothing of elven and fae types in styles SL has never seen before. I mean I do skank and clubbing crap clothing withthe best of them, but why bother? I will be working on clothing that echoes the stylers of the LOTR films, my own unique version of them at that, but no gaping plunging necklines and all that crap that's been done to death.

So what's on my agenda for this week? Well, in order to make thos clothing I am looking onto ways to maintain my ultra high standards of perfection when it comes to making the cloth and patterning of the upcoming clothing lines. As such I am looking into how to do something called 'texture baking' in a program I'm getting used to called ZBrush. Since the UV mapping of the avatars in Second Life blows goats and is very deformed and ugly, I am using this method to try and compensate and actually make things look GOOD and not so distorted.

So, I am reading tutorials and watching video tutorials on how to do this.

Another project for this week is the making of sculpty shoes for this same clothing line. I mean how many adventurers do YOU see running around in skanky high heals while doing a LARP? In the snow? Get real! Having done such LARP in my tender teens and early 20's I can recall how that just wasn't an option; thus the adventure gear for Second Life. Real cloth, leathers, belts, backpacks and so on, mirroring something at least a BIT more likely than the usually chain mail bikini.

SO! Come on and download the client from the website, let me know your name in-game and when you expect to be on, and I will keep an eye out for you- maybe even show you some of the fun things I'm working on for our Artist Group called Image Nation.

See you in-game!

(also published in my FaceBook Notes)

Last night I flicked on the kitchen light and happend to glance at the stove where a tiny grey body with a thin tail disappeared into the grating between stove top and upper panel! Strtled, I ran into my room and counted ALL my gerbils... all were accounted for and so I realised that we do indeed have a wild visitor cousin of my rodent children in my home.

Immediately I began an internet search for no-kill traps, and was happy to dicover a very clever looking one that I immediately approved of... trouble was, the place that carried them doesn't ship to Canada! So I looked and looked, still "Only available in the USA". Finally, tonight, I finally found PETA's website and have been able to order one! YAY!

So I will be catching the mousie without any crueltyand set him/her free miles from our house and let the wee thing live! *is very pleased*

There will be NO KILLING TRAPS allowed in my home.

It occurs to me that this is clever in case my gerbils get loose, it will catch them as well!

Happy Happy!


In other news, Lisa and I are working hard in Second Life making eye textures only so far... but we've also had at least one pair sold! We will be adding to the collection AND working on clothing items for male avatars, since male clothing sucks and is definately not good for the fantasy crowd as a rule. So, I am working full time hours when awake and producing some really great stuff! I am very happy!

I wanna play Q1 Team Fortress! *whine*snivel*

Hell I'll even make do with Q2, Q3 or so... so GEO, MsC... anyone wanna get the game on and make a server and nuke the shit out of each other? Of course, that is if I can hit the broad side of a barn after so long...

Thinking about brushing the dust off of LadyDeath and riding my rocketjumps once more... just for old time's sakes.

Does anyone still play the old stuff anymore?