Been sleeping a LOT, what with the heat and all. Seems all I can do is sit in front of my fan like some torpid slug, or lay on my bed and doze in front of the same fan.

I've sewn a top, it's not finished yet, but it sure is pretty! It's a butterfly sleeved ,tied underbust mid thigh tunic in a black slinky silky type of fabric. The sleeves have cute circular cutouts that bare a tiny sliver of arm. It's a bit clingy but has a nice drape.

I dragged out my bra pattern from Kwik Sew but haven't had the energy to try it out just yet. I don't have tricot but I suppose I could modify the back to a X back like a sport bra and make it out of just fabric and elastic. I've traced one of my old sport bras and made a couple that turned out quite well, and this one would have actual bra cups for support and shape. It's a neat pattern, I can use lace, stretch lace and any colour I want - so I could (in theory) make some nice matching sets of undies! Imagine that, plus size lingerie for myself that doesn't cost upwards of $150! YAY! I'll actually feel pretty then! For once.

Have no money so going out will be near impossible. Kinda too bad, I live in such a pretty city and don't often go out to enjoy it. Sad that I let my worries about my weight make me hide at home. Really I should just try to pack a lunch and head to the beach and drouse in the shade, maybe even defy my self hatred and paddle around in the water.

Reading no less than 2 books at once... one a book on my computer screen and one a battered novel I haven't ever read yet- nearly impossible in my house! Ravenous reader that I am... I really need to check out the library and see if they'll forgive the fines or something. *get tired just thinking of it LOL*

Need to go buy Peri and the 'goos some food with what money I have left. Sigh. Maybe I'll spend a dollar and get some koolaid to make into ice pops again! I'd frozen some diet raspberry jello way watered down, and they weren't bad, but they also weren't good. *laughs* At least they were cold! Payday is on the 21st... I have all my aunt's old Nutrisystem food so I won't starve, but I'm really craving veggies and fruits.

Ok, time to slink off and see about going to the Tisol.

Well! The old adage of be careful what you wish for is gratifyingly true!

The last couple of months many things seemed to be sad and frustrating;

My mother and brother were not really speaking much, she hadn't seen my niece of nephew for more than a year, or me for a year, her sisters... trapped on San Juan Island due to finances and a newly diagnosed diabetic cat. She was frustrated and unhappy and so was I.

I had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago; just had enough of trying to juggle mental illness on top of my diabetes care and hit a critical mass.

I landed face down in VGH for a week and a half, shuffled between psych wards until I landed at a short term stay version where they took care of my physical health and helped me re-medicate my mental health while mum arrived to help me boost my flagging emotional health. As a resut my growth in spiritual health was an unexpected bonus. There's nothing like landing in a psych ward and sharing a room with a hispanic catholic sweetheart who is having a meltdown of her own to really kick me in the emotive department. It felt odd holding this lady's hand and reassuring her that I wasn't going to kill her or hurt her, and that she was safe and that God and Jesus and the Virgin mary were watching over us and loving us. Though the names were different, the spirits are the same in my mind, and I felt oddly calm and very sure of myself as I comforted her... and in doing so, myself. I had tears in my eyes, really seeing how mental illness can make others suffer, and also got a taste of how my family must feel seeing me in so much pain from my own battle with same.

I also came face to face with a turly astonishing look at HARM NONE.

Harm none means I can't harm myself either... not taking my insulin or other meds is harming myself... contemplating suicide is also harming myself. I was brought up short with a epiphany that fairly took my breath away.

The God and Goddess never send us more than we can handle. They also inspire us to find our own answers on our Path through life.

Wanting to be a healer I must first heal myself... and so I realised that to truly Harm None I must do my best to take my meds and control my diabetes. To hate my body is to slap Divinity in the face and say "You make crap!". Um... hmmmmm. I may not like the shape it is, or the challenges in health it has, but this body carries around my SOUL... and I CHOSE this vessel and the lessons it gives me before I was born for a REASON. So, it's up to me to learn the lesson of loving it and seeing it as worthy of looking after.

Responsibility, right? Time to let go of the old broken destructive mental self-critical records and move on... and now I'm finally ready. My self-care still isn't perfect, but that's ok, cause my INTENT is good. I'm making my own reality a better one instead of choosing to be a victim, and it it takes me a long while to get better at it... so be it, at least I'm trying to work WITH It rather than fighting a losing fight.

So, I have been newly diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder.
*shrugs* I don't care about the name of the disorder as much as I care that there is a suggested treatment plan for it!
My future treatment (in a year or so) will be Behavioural therapy of some sort through VGH Psych clinic... and I have a stop-gap set up in the meantime. Darned waiting lists... but then I am also choosing to see the interim as a chance to learn as well.

Having mum staying with me has been balm to my soul. I hadn't realised just how much I needed her here. It's hard for her because it means leaving her very elderly dog, her beloved husband and kitty cat behind, but event after positive event has happened that has quite blown me away.

Mum and I are reconnecting with my brother Pat, and through him his children. We are also reconnecting with her sisters (my aunts). Mum is planning on moving back here to Vancouver somewheres when she and my step dad get finances back in order and do the nessessary paperwork etc! SO! That means that I will have an intact family once again, something I've been missing for quite a few years and didn't consciously realise was a gaping hole in my life.

Spending time with my niece and nephew today brought home just how much I love children. Even though I am dog tired now, I am abuzz with a contentment and joy and pride, yes PRIDE that these wonderful beings are glad to see me and enjoy my company. I feel fufilled in a way I haven't felt in a very long time and I feel truly blessed.

Thank Divinity for my wonderful CHOSEN family (my friends, you know who you all are! ^_^ ), my blood family, my home, my pets, for the world and everything in it.

I'm so glad to be alive!

Well, today started out better than most of the days this week. Having Greg moved out is, quite frankly, a relief. Even though our little suite looks a bit like a really good party happened recently (I'm not couting the layers of dust that's on everything *rolls eyes*) and now we're left with an echoingly grubby semi abandoned looking place. Bryce made signifigant inroads on sweeping and tidying - bless him- even with a very very ugly looking sore toe. I'm serious folks, his right foot's big toe is a swollen red and black looking mess. I took pity on him and made like the nagging sister-type I am and proceeded to dispense the tylenol and make noises about ice and him getting it checked out. He slipped and bent it under while he fell on it, and by golly it looks like it REALLY freaking hurts. He says the throbbing is keeping him awake and I wince each time I see him hobble around on it.

My mood hasn't been swinging quite as wildly the last few days since Samhain, so I'm doing better and thankful for it. I think this time of change is affecting B and I in the same way: we're having a good hard look at our lives in the merciless cold grey Novemeber light of day and finding ourselves wanting - according to some unseen mental measuring stick. I've found myself increasingly unable to fake the breezy mood I often display in public - not sure how I feel about presenting my less than perky face to the world. Meh, it'll be good for me to 'be real' - or at least as long as possible until reflexes kick back in and make me little Miss Sunshine again.

Geri has offered the use of her stream cleaner, and I'm going to take her up on it. I bought a fresh container of Pink Solution, so I'm ready to give the place a scrub down, organic style. Bryce has been instrumental in being supportive; we've already begun breaking down the chores into smaller more managable goals. I've even wiped down a few surfaces already and even did some laundry so that I have non yucky clothes to clean in. Seems like an oxymoron until you realise that YES, you need clean gonch to clean the house in. Imagine that!

My sleep is still backwards, and depending on how my energy is here at 5am with my sleep all backwards, I might putter around the kitchen and do a load or two of dishes while I listen to my ipod. Any and all forward movement is good in the cleaning department, I've felt a bit frustrated at myself for not keeping up with B-man - but I know once I get going today I'll pick at the edges again as I feel able to deal. My blood sugars have been a bit high and my eating is erratic, so no wonder I feel like I'm coming off a 3 day bender.

Lunch with Geri was balm to my soul the other day (love you Geri!!!). We had delicious Thai/Vietnamese food that REALLY hit the spot for me. We got caught up with each other and, as usual, Geri' exquisite no nonsense acceptance was exactly the jump start I needed to feel like I've connected with the real world again, and that everything's gonna be ok. We stopped at Famous Foods after lunch and I found some nice potato and bacon perogies to snarf - and they weren't bad... still miss cheese like mad, but it was a comfort food that has me at least eating like a semi sane human being again.

I was in a VERY odd mental state this morning/early afternoon - felt almost like I was stuck in a semi-meditative trance. What was odd about it was that I was even more intuitive than usual and had a couple of really fun 'oh my god you read my mind' moments with Bryce that made us both laugh. I was definately listening to my 'Higher Self' intuitions and yet JUST grounded enough to question things and keep an eye on myself in case I'm getting into psychosis. Yes, I KNOW I can get psychosis; mum has been dealing with it for years -and given the odd slepping, eating oddness and stress, I don't doubt that I've been hovering around the edges myself the last few days at odd moments. The thing is though, is that while I was aware of impulsive/intuitive moments, I was grounded enough to not give in, nor was I feeling urged to do anything alarming.

Hrm, I'm not describing this very am I? Let' s just say earlier today after waking from some very vivid and emotional/spiritual driven dreams, I was aware of something moving and changing in my life for the first time in years. The tarot card reading I posted earlier (before this post) is the result of asking about that experience and state, and it's impact on my life, what lessons I can learn and what will happen if I continue to listen to my inner kindly voice rather than the cruel bitter self abusive voice I more commonly let run my consciousness. You know, the self critical voice that we all have. Mine is far meaner than most, aspects of my eating disorder and abusive behaviour learned and chanted like a mantra from those who have abused me in the past. In the true spirit of Samhain, I let it go a bit today and listened instead to a higher power and am hoping the momentum can bring me forward to help me help myself make my life less like a concentration camp, and more like the reality I need in order to not just survive, but thrive.

I've had enough of surviving by the skin of my teeth, pretending everything is fine while I beat myself up constantly for things I haven't done or are not my fault or I can't control. I graciously bow to the Divine and if I can't have what I fantasize about in hoping my price charming will save me, I can at least see myself as WORTH saving instead of seeing myself as some lesser being who doesn't deserve a damned thing.

I'm accepting certain things I hate, like the fact that my age and my weight makes me a pariah in the romance department - I mean why waste energy on worrying about that? I've had lots of offers and I've been so self destructive that it's a wonder I haven't succeeded in suicide. Yes I am SERIOUS about that, folks. The human psyche can only hadle so much drubbing before the will to live, even mine as formidable as it is, finally gives a last gasp and rolls over.

Anyways, this is turning into yet another TsunAMY. So, I'll get on with testing blood sugars and other stupid yucky crap I have to do to live, and get on with whatever.

Thank you Universe, for not giving up on me!

Just got back from a lovely walk to Yukon street and up and around my house - 30 min worth with my heartrate up in the 127 area, actually hitting 138 for brief periods as my music inspired me without realising it.

The angle of the sun on the grass was amazing... breathtaking. Have you ever seen the sun reflect off the dewdrops before? It's like a myriad of stars in rainbow hues winking and dancing as I moved forward.

( More happiness and maundering... )

My daily tarot card reading in my email box that I checked AFTER today's blow up:

If you're single, love could be in the air today, but you won't grab hold of it! You're represented by the Hanged Man, who prevents you from taking advantage of the great opportunities that Judgment throws into your path. There'll be new openings around you all day but you'll be unable to open the door and make the most of them. At least try to open up to the people who already care about you, and the day won't be a total loss.

Right, I'm going for lunch, then my walk, swearing to myself the entire way and feeling really pissed off.

We did it!

Aunty Jackie, Aunt Marie, Pauline, Alex and I walked 3km today to raise money to support the MS Society of BC! This is the first time I have ever done a 'walk' of any kind, and after only a month and a half or so of walking, I managed to walk 3km without dying! I was too late to get pledges THIS time, but there's always next year!

My NEXT walk (yes, I'm going for it!) is thus:

2009 TELUS Walk to Cure Diabetes – Save the Date! 

May 31 – Vancouver

http://jdrfca.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.eventDetails&eventID=620

Anyone who wants to join my team - not sure on the name yet..let me know and I'll see if I can find out more! Suggestions for names?(Amy's Insulin Powered Heroes? Blood Sugar Bandits? Syringe Superstars? Blood Sugar Fairies?)

This is specifically for Type 1 diabetes (which is the kind I have) - no offense to my friends and family members who have type 2, but I'm dying to try out my increasing fitness AND raise money for a cure! (I can be selfish about this, right? Is that allowed?) Besides, betcha we can do another walk for type 2 later! Yippeeeee!

Anyone want to send me a pledge? Anyone want to come support me and get their own pledges and walk with me? So far my aunts and cousin are willing to do it! YAY! This will be a triumph for me; after struggling with diabulimia and type 1 diabetes for 18 years (my diagnoses and second birthday will be May 18!) I am finally getting my life back and want the whole world to know!

Purple t shirts! Purple hats (let's avoid sunburns, shall we?) fun frag and silliness! Let me know what you think! maybe I will make a nice tshirt decal thingie and print them out for everyone to iron on their own tshirts? That way you can choose your own comfy tshirt! Ohhh I think this is FUN! I wanna do it!!!!!! I think you can bring puppies too! There were lots to admire and pet today. ^_^ <3 the puppies!

My feet are a bit sore, I had a bit of back pain that cleared up towards the end of the walk - best of all, I just plain did it! I couldn't have done it without my family supporting me, so kudos go out to them! Think of it... less than 2 months ago I could barely walk 10 minutes without excruciating pain, and today I walked 3 KM!!!! Here's hoping I don't sieze up before I go to the gym tomorrow morning! LOL.

I am SO proud of myself! *squee!*

More updating...

Ok I guess its been about a month since I began exercizing, and I'm having a mixed bag of results.

My cardio is going great guns! I can walk without gasping for breath or any burning pain or asthma kicking in... I must say that I'm mightily impressed! That said, I have to admit the rest of my body is having a shit fit from hell. Now, I've had a few odd days in my past where I've been getting back into fitness and was stiff and sore and what have you... but I have NEVER felt pain and resistance like THIS before. NEVER.

I didn't realise how easy I've had it most of my life. Despite being moderately sedentary, I've always been able to get back into the swing of things within a week or two. Not anymore.

( More behind the cut )

Well things have radically improved since my last post, and I'm very glad to report that.

Thank you to all my very well-meaning and supportive friends for helping me dig myself out of that rut. I did binge the next night, but considering how I was feeling I'm lucky that's ALL I did on ONE night. No insulin purging and no exercise purging either. That's REALLY a major victory.

( More behind the cut, it's another TSUN-AMY )

Ok a review of crap going on in my life. After close to 4 months of prep I'm FINALLY going to the heart Clinic at Saint Paul's Hospital. No, I did not have a heart attack, yes I am ok. The recommendation came after considering my intestinal stroke a couple of years ago and my most recent cholesterol test (which was merely the high side of normal).

Basically I have gummed up arteries due to sugar plaques from my diabetes more than just ordinary fat, although I'm sure there's plenty of that too. Despite being determined to not binge anymore it's been a bit of a challenge, although I've done very well today so far. The nights are the hardest time to stave off cravings, so I'm trying to eat REAL meals instead of snarfing popcorn twists and diet rootbeer for dinner. FYI: Commentary other than supportive words (ie: hang in there, I know its hard kind of thing) is NOT allowed about my eating habits btw, NO WELL MEANING CRITITISM - cause it'd trigger me to hell and gone, ok? Trigger = hospital stay. Ok? Thanks in advance!

Basically I'm due to talk to the dietician this week upcoming, and so far they seem very clued about my eating disorder and have been very supportive. I'm hoping they will stay that way. As a rule dieticians are usually these skinny women who have never had a weight problem in their spoiled little rich girl lives and love to lord it over me how I 'should just do" this and that. I find most of them to be triggering all to hell and come home and insulin purge (ie cut way back on taking my insulin and eating as little as possible) for weeks on end. Yes, it's an issue. Yes it's very serious. Yes, I'm working on it.

This is really really hard for me right now, cause I've had major issues with excerize before. I have a very black and white thinking towards it that I'm trying to overcome. Let me show you how I'm doing it.

The program is 4 months long, I go at 9 am mondays and wednesdays. I go twice a week to the Heart Clinic gym, which comprises of two gyms at Saint Paul's Hospital. There's the upstairs gym which (ironically is where about 12 years ago I took my first round of eating disorder councelling, talk about feeling wierd!) is all the cardio equipment, and the downstairs gym that has all the weights and mats and dumbells etc. I start out upstairs where I am hooked up with a portable heart monitor that is similar to a full on ECG machine. I ALSO hook on a polar heart rate monitor so I can learn how to work within a training heart rate etc. Wired for sound, I begin my workout by walking in a circle with the other attendees (brilliant wonderful people in various stages of health and wellness and mobilities). We do some gentle stretches with a very fun fitness specialist for about 5 minutes before we scatter to grab our favourite cardio machine for 10 min intervals and then change machines until we do a total of 30 minutes. Then we make our happy-circle again, do some streatches and cool down then head downstairs.

Downstairs we learn some very low weight high-rep exersizes that are meant to rehabilitate and increase flexibility and strength for everyday usage; like lifting, carrrying, getting up, sitting down and so on. Our chipper fun specialist shows us how to do freeweights, ankle weights, cans and bags of things at home, and this week coming up she's gonna show the elastic bands! (which I'm gonna buy a set of for a whole $4! WOOT!)

So yeah, twice a week I get to play with fun things, the rest of the week is up to me. Approx 30 min of walking at a moderate pace 5 x a week. 5 min warm up, 20 min walkies, 10 min cool down. I've been testing my blood sugars before and after, and Holy Handgrenade of Antioch what a huge difference that makes!

Yesterday I did a walk from Main to Cambie and back.
BIG mistake
I got back and felt like I'd been through a wash cycle or two inside out and backwards. My lower back and the front of my calves read me the riot act, and even standing to cook was nearly too much for me. Today I went grocery shopping at Buy Low and again my bod is NOT impressed with lugging food around either. I must remember when I don't feel like exercizing in the future what this feels like so I never let myself go this badly ever again. It's pathetic, more... it's frustrating. I should NOT be this worn out at the age of 40. Tsk.

SO, tomorrow I'm gonna do a milder walk and see how it goes, then get ready for monday ad give em feedback on how my doing-things-on-my-own worked out. *whew*

Wish me luck guys and gals.